SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
me: i love cars
date: oh cool! i love cars too
me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.