@Chumpstring

Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.

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@BuckyIsotope

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

@Insomniac_Medic

I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.

@OkieGirl405

Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like

@tomgara

My friend’s toddler babbled “don’t forget to subscribe” as he was put to bed. Kid watches so much YouTube he thought it means “goodbye”

@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@notviking

me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

@thedad

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

@stevevsninjas

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.