Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
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Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face