Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no