Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Every. Damn. Time.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit