Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
That’s it.I’m out.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
