Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Nothing to do, you say?
Personal question. #JustSaying
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Cats (2019)
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.