Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do

I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

you’re damn right i have

I put the hot in psychotic.

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?

Shoo shoo! 😂

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.

ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her