Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
rest in peas
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair