Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over