Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*