Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?

Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.

I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.

Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.

Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.

Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!

F2: no water

F3: no chemicals

Me: Your hair is filthy.

Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas