Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk.

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

Eat…

Good things about drinking on the plane:

1. You don’t have to drive.

2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.

who’s gonna tell her?

May have had one breakfast too many

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Social media for large reptiles: Instagator

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.

[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”

-Inventor of the jersey

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.