Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
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why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/