Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

Jumps into shower

Shower : I have a boyfriend

If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

happy valentine’s day to me

Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*

Demon: *possesses me*

Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit

Demon: same time next week?

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

To err is human, to eh is Canadian.

My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.

Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.

Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad

My first child will be named New Folder.

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway

People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-

Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered

“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.

“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life

My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there

Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better