Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
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I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
i too will be having a baby outside of dave grohl’s marriage. you don’t see me making it a whole thing
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
