Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
technically true but not a great slogan
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising