Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
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Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
opening twitter today
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/