Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.

Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no

[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making