Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Do one thing every day that scares people.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?

Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…

My Kid: I want a poodle.

Me:…or a worm…

My Kid: POODLE!

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

*has hiccups for 30 seconds*

MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT

Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾‍♀️😂

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

How much more of this can I take?

* piles food on buffet plate *

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd

my kids: what’s a cd?

me: *dies of old age*

me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread

make sure its switched to “on”

[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”