Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!
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Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
won’t smith
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Him: It’s only a 20 minute hike. Why do you insist on so much bug spray?!
Me: Keeps the murder hornets away
Him: There’s no murder hornets in our state
Me: Then the spray is working
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me