Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.
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“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
groan^2
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division