never compromise your values
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
when someone rings the doorbell
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
f*** a break up, have y’all ever had to chase your dog down the street and they’re thinking it’s a game.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?