never compromise your values
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing