Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

Her: you look better without your glasses

Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.

Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

Not to brag, but I just walked upstairs and remembered why

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.

“How many fingers do I have up?”

– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny

Split the bill

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

[aliens arrive]

people: *screaming crying hiding*

me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*