Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
The Compass
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.