Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.