Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
this is a sign that you need a union
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?