Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
This is my favorite one of these!
