Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
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Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Clients after you give them your rates
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again