Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.

My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.

Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?

Me: ok, but no tongue

[fancy restaurant]

JESUS: what do you do for a living

DATE: I’m a pilot

JESUS: *narrows eyes*

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.