Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct