Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”

Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”

*wall breaks down*

Superman: “OMG really??”

Batman: “No.”

[opens car door for wife]

WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway

[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.

Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?

Me: French please

Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?

I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

DOCTOR: What’s the matter?

ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.

DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.

ME: Oh her water broke or something.

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

*sips iced coffee*

man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately

*has another iced coffee*

I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night

*chugs redbull*

my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare

*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.