Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

My teen is about to do some work experience set up by her 6th form college. The idea is to match students with jobs that reflect their skills/interests. My girl is deep into the arts – she loves music, art, photography, making stuff.

Her allocated job? Gravestone maintenance

Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.

Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.

Me: [nods]

cop: you know why i pulled you over

me: …no ?

cop: come on dude

me: maybe i had a few too many–

cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk

me: i–

cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there

I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”

Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired

when dads have a rap battle

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

craving $300 all of a sudden

The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

me: what’s your sign?

chef: spisces

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.

There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.