Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.

Me: What do you think about that?

Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*

5 minutes later

K

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.

“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right