Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
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I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
This classic never gets old . . .
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
This was a bad idea all around
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved