Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood

took a gummy earlier and I’m sitting outside. The same bush to my left has scared the shit out of me at least 4 times over the last 20 minutes.

Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Me: The dog ate the meatloaf I made for you.
Him: That’s okay. I’ll pick up a pizza and bury the dog when I get home.

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go