Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
#Caturday
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them