never deleting this app.
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yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
peep davidson
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
LMAO
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time