never deleting this app.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.