Never deleting this app.
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Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
For the orator and chef in all of us
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.