Never deleting this app.
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Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
mamma mia! is such a fascinating paradox… italian phrase as its name, it takes place in greece. the songs are from a swedish band. british supporting cast, living around greek people, and the main characters have american accents. no one knows how to sing, but everyone is drunk
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.