Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”

SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!

astrology is fake.

my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming

In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”

Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.

Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.

Me: What did you do at preschool?

3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.

Me:

3-year-old: I need to lie down.

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.

Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction

Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me

Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?

Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.

Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”