Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
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[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for