Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
You Might Also Like
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
My car is making strange noises but it’s just me singing.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.