Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
A friend helps you before you need it
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
my fav colour is also hitler
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.