Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes

What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat

What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no