“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Every. Damn. Time.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
There’s never enough good news
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
This is my brand.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.