“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
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if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me when I try to be useful
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat