“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
You Might Also Like
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Pot warmers of the day.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents