Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

asking santa clause for nudes

“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop.”

“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”

There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer

Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS

My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?

Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..