Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!

Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

*In the back of an ambulance

Me: Change the radio station

Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy

Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

me: I’ll take this goth pear

cashier: that’s an avocado

A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.

Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.

CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

me: I’m going to build a time machine

him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for

me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.

My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁