Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*

“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”

well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

is this meant to deter me

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]

Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.

BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.

I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”

*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*

People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.