@prufrockluvsong

Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.

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@GlumGeorgeLucas

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

@Cpin42

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

@Marlebean

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

@Dustinkcouch

An assault rifle that only shoots blanks should be called a JK-47!

I am fun at parties please invite me to them.

@QueefTornado

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Except marriage, marriage will kill you.

@JohnDuffy21

Social networking has become a club. Twitter is the dance floor. Instagram is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the bathroom.

@3sunzzz

We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

@TheHyyyype

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun

@iLikeCatShirts

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?