Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
You Might Also Like
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
How it started: How it’s going: