Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
