Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’