Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

Kid: why do cookies look so happy?

Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked

Kid: I wanna get baked

Me: me too kid… me too

Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.

Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.

My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

[canadians at you, canadianly]

The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.

The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.

In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa

me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child

Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.

Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

“and how does that make you feel?”

Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.