Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?