Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
You Might Also Like
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: