Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.