Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
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My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Inside you there are two wolves
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.