Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
ACED my prostate exam!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me and who
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me