Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…

I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”

it’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a like

People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.