Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up