Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Guilty! 🤪
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Covert ops
