Never, ever shout FIRE in a crowded theatre. Shouting LION is much funnier.
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.