Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget