Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.

“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”

Simba.. who told you about science

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.

Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.

China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next

When I face a minor setback

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Thursday Thought.

[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

respect

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.