Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.

I was holding a yard sale. Someone held up a cookbook and asked “Is this vegan?”

I said they don’t make book binding glue from horses anymore, so she can eat any of the books on the table.

I lost the sale, but the confused look on her face was worth way more than 75 cents.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

me: [taking off shirt]

wife: woah slow down there bud

me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*

Boss: Can I have a quick word?

Me: Rapid

Boss:

It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.

FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.

As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits