Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

I disagree with my politics

I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

[date]

Her: tell me something about yourself

Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man

Her: …

Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol

HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami