Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.

If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.

The timeline of microwave popcorn:

< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

[eraser factory]

BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?

ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”