Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
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How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Finally, an instrument I can play!
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner