Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?