Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
You Might Also Like
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Breaking news:
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?