Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d tell you to go to hell but I work there and I don’t want to see you everyday.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.

DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?