Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
black phone good
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.
Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.
Me: wtf
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.