Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
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I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911