Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me

Peach Farmer: sure

Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free

Peach Farmer: well just hold on now

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

Girl: I love Medieval Art

Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now

Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?

jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁

I just saw three bowls of dessert.

I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun

im gay on my mothers side

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.

Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack