Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
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I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Apologies to our waitress Amy who said to my dad, “wanna box for the leftovers?” and he replied, “no, but I’ll wrestle you for them” hope we tipped enough
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.