Never forget.
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STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job