Never forget.
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce