never forget
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“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.