never forget
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Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Classic German Shepherd 😂
