never forget
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So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”