never forget
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Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.